The Clash of the Secular and the Holy--Doyle Style

It was Palm Sunday 1998 and the priest had all the children up front talking about Holy Week.  He asked, “Who knows what will happen on Thursday?” and many hands went up.  They all shared their answers.  Then he asked, “Who knows what Good Friday is?”  Only Sarah Katherine’s little 3 year old hand went up.  I moved to the front of my pew feeling so proud as only first time parents who have yet to be humiliated enough in public do.  “Yes, Sarah Katherine” he kindly acknowledged her hand.  Very proudly she reported, “It’s when the Easter Bunny nails Jesus to the cross.”  I really tried to slink under the pew, but I was holding a 3 month old and a 20 month old, so it was not to be.  The congregation burst out laughing; I turned bright red, and SK continued to sit proudly certain she had answered brilliantly.  (That was back when she didn’t think she failed everything only to get an A; I’m sure a therapist could have a field day with how that happened, and I’m sure I can be blamed.)  I remember the priest looking over at me with kindness (or was it sympathy or judgment) in his eyes as he said, “And that my fellow brothers and sisters is a wonderful example of church and culture clashing. Thank you Sarah Katherine.”

We are in the midst of the Advent season; it is a different season than Christmas, and yet culture has melded the two along with Santa, Frosty and the Heat Miser.  As parents rearing our children in the church we struggle with how to both keep the season holy and focused while all around us the frenzy of commercial Christmas churns.  And if I’m honest, I want my children to have both.  I want them to understand the holiness of Advent—the season of waiting; the miracle of Christmas and God’s amazing love AND I want them to put cookies and milk out for Santa (okay I’ll be honest we put out cookies and bourbon—Santa deserves it! Who knows he may be lactose intolerant—everyone else is these days), feed the reindeer and participate in parties.  It’s a conflict many of us face.  Here are a few ideas that have worked for our family.  I’d love to hear yours.

1.       We put our decorations up minus our tree in early December.  The tree goes up the night before Christmas Eve and is decorated Christmas Eve morning.  (For all of you with small children full of energy and impatience on this LONG day, it gives them a focus.  But beware, if you have a 3 year old Caroline she might tell your neighbor, “Having a tree up already is inappropriate.”

2.      Light the advent wreath every night at the dinner table.  Yes, the candles will be small nubs by Christmas Eve, but it will set the tone.

3.      We put our crèches out but not baby Jesus or the wise men.  Christmas morning one child places him in the manger (which is why if you have multiple children it’s a good idea to have multiple crèches—fights on Christmas morning really kill the spirit.)

4.      Use purple napkins throughout the month and then bring out special ones on Christmas Eve.

5.      Read a Christmas book every night of December and alternate between secular and holy.

6.      Leave your tree up until Jan. 6.

7.      The wise men arrive at the crèche on the morning of January 6.

8.      We used to give a gift a day for the 12 days of Christmas (but that was when a pack of lifesavers was considered a “good” gift).

Have a blessed Advent and Christmas season.  (I think SK now understands Good Friday—I’ll let you know)

And Their Mama's a Priest

A friend asked me yesterday about our "traditions" for Christmas.  I warned her--starting traditions create tradition monsters; I should know--I have four.  One year I gave them robes instead of pajamas on Christmas Eve.  You seriously would have thought I had personally ruined Christmas for the entire world.....,

Last night at dinner we began talking about Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas brunch.  The children were talking over each other about what their favorite part was.  Well everyone except Caroline who was trying to decide if she should "Swing" or "swung".  Shawn was paying attention to her and falling out of his chair laughing.  Caroline, "Why is it so funny?"  Shawn whispered to me, "I don't think she knows what that could mean."  Clearly--and I'm a little disturbed that my exchange student does. Caroline changed the subject and said, "I was so happy today.  Christopher came into the gym and announced to everyone that I'm a real baller."  My mind was not jumping as quickly as others apparently because I was just about to fuss at Christopher for calling her inappropriate names especially at school.  "Yeah," he said, "She has practice shoes and game shoes.  She's the real basketball deal."  Chris Sr., "Wait, we bought you TWO pairs of basketball shoes?"  Caroline, "Yeah I asked you for one and Mama for one."  (Perhaps we should communicate better--I'll add that to my list of topics to talk to my therapist about) but back to the meal....

I decided to try to bring the conversation back into some sort of normalcy (yeah right) and more importantly inclusivity.  So I turned to Shawn and said, "This is what we have for our meals.  Is there something special your family has for Christmas dinner?  We could add that."  Shawn smiled at me (see some people understand me) and said, "No.  We have dinner on Christmas but nothing particularly special."  Boss  began laughing hysterically, "Shawn just tell her.  Mama he doesn't have anything special for Christmas dinner because HE'S NOT CHRISTIAN HE'S KOREAN!"  I may have turned as red as Caroline's neck from The Bark Collar (yes that happened last night too), but my loving husband tried to save my dignity.  "Boss, there are Christians in Korea aren't there Shawn?"  Shawn, "Yes, we have churches everywhere."  Boss not to be deterred from making certain I understood my mistake, "Yeah but Shawn's not one of them!!!!"  Me, "But he told me  (why did I start referring to him in the third person when he was sitting right next to me?) in middle school they tried to convert him."  Shawn turned to me with a huge smile on his face, "Yeah, but it didn't work."  Welcome to the family Shawn you have officially become part of us--initiation in our house is openly laughing at the Mama.

Sweet (?) William changes the subject again, "These advent candles suck.  (I HATE THAT WORD!!!) They are burning down so fast.  What are we going to do in a few weeks?"  I responded, "It will be fine."  Caroline, "We'll just have to replace one and start advent all over. That will suck"  (That word again!!!)  "Seriously Caroline?" I interjected, "We do this every year.  Why are you acting like you don't know how this works?"  William, "What happens if we light them all tonight?  Or what if I light the pink one tomorrow night?"  Boss, "You'll probably be damned to hell."  Caroline, "Yeah you'll probably kill Jesus--hey wait Jesus already got dead."  GOT DEAD?!?!?!!  Who are you?  They began deciding who was being damned talking over one another so I'm not sure they heard me say, "But he rose again, remember oh children of mine who have gone to church almost EVERY Sunday of their lives??!?"  It's a good think I'm going to FORMA (A grassroots association of members of The Episcopal Church and kindred individuals and institutions, Forma supports, networks, advocates for, resources, and celebrates Christian formation leaders in their Christian formation ministries) in January.  Christian educators have been saying our Christian formation programs aren't working.  I really wish my children weren't poster children for that belief!!!

"I think we should clear our plates.  Ya'll have studying to do."  "Yeah," said William, "And you've ruined Christmas already because we don't have our chocolate advent calendars yet."  Fair warning--do not start traditions....

Bark Collars Work on People--Caroline proved it.

It's been a crazy evening.  I worked late and had not done half of what I wanted at home.  I was the last to walk in the door--"Ya'll get a snack, dinner will be at least an hour."  I knew that because my neurosis kicked in on the drive home; I wanted to get laundry going; I needed to wrap a Christmas gift, and dinner involved a lot of chopping and sauteing.  "Caroline," I asked, "Can you wrap this present for Daddy to take to Jonathan?"  "No.  I've got a paper due.  But why are you using a glue stick?"  Caroline helpfully asked.  "Because I have no tape."  I answered thinking I should be congratulated for my innovative thinking, but alas that wasn't to be.

Chris left to take his Godson his Christmas present wrapped with a glue stick.  I began to saute dinner and Boss worked on his homework in the dining room declaring, "Jonathan would rather have comic books than Jesus books."  Just a regular night at the Doyle's.

I was talking to SK when Caroline came down.  She was, well, she was Caroline.  I finally said, "I've got to go.  Daddy just got home and I've got to get dinner on the table, and Caroline is being Caroline."  Chris came in and said, "He loved it but would have preferred a race car--just kidding."  And in that moment Caroline removed the bark collar from Bobby.  "Do you think this really hurts?"  "Yes," I responded, "That's why he doesn't bark when it's on."  Caroline, "I don't think it really does."  And with that, she stretched it around her neck and let out a loud bark.  "OWWWW! This really does work."  Chris, "Seriously, you thought it wouldn't?"  Caroline, "Well last time I did it, it didn't hurt like this.  I think I have a red mark."  Boss, "You do have a red mark."  Me interrupting, "Wait a minute, last time you did it?"  Caroline, "Yeah, one time I did it when SK was home.  It didn't hurt that much."  Me, "I can't believe you have a red mark. How are you going to explain that tomorrow?"  Caroline clearly no longer interested in this conversation, "Have you seen my crab face?"  She contorted her face into, who knows what--"Ouch that hurts where the bark collar got me."

Just another night at the Doyle's.....