We are Terrible Parents

It was a wonderful four days in Sea Island, Georgia with the youngest of my four children.  The final middle school trip--bittersweet.  And then....

We landed at 11:50; Caroline looked down at her phone and said, "I have to be at the lacrosse field in 25 minutes."  So we ran through the airport, grabbed our bags and jumped into the car.  I called Chris to let him know we were heading home and asked, "What's going on today?"  Chris, "I have no idea; all I know is SK has taken my credit card and is running around doing all kinds of prom prep stuff."  Me, "Okay, well here's what we've got tonight.  Pictures at 4:30 at our house; then at 5:30 at Danielle's then at 6:30 at Tyler's.  I'm driving them; Mason may go with me."  I could hear Chris thinking, "You get the details; I get the bills."  "Oh yeah," I added, "Caroline has play practice at 6; I've told Boss he's responsible for getting her there and back." (I didn't add that he hadn't confirmed he got the message--we'll worry about that later...)

We drove into the driveway; Caroline jumped out of the car and ran inside to get ready.  Quick kiss for Chris and then trying to decide who was taking Caroline to the game.  I still had Mother's Day gifts to finish.  (Don't judge--they'd been planned for weeks; the plan just hadn't been executed.)  As we were planning out the afternoon my phone kept blowing up with texts; I finally looked at it, "Can you bring a check?"  Chris, "Seriously?!?!?!  She has my card!"  Texted SK back (how did she not understand his card and my check were from the same account--Lord help her in college) and ran out the door to take Caroline to her game before finishing  Mother's Day shopping.  As I was working on the gifts Chris called, "She's got the wrong color socks.  Where are you?"  "Still shopping; I'll head home."  Chris, "No, that's fine.  SK just drove up and I'll get her to run me over there on her way to her next beauty appointment--I don't know what it is pray for me"  Me, "Hair"  I could hear Chris sigh--

I finished my errands and then headed over to the game making it just in time for the second half and the thunder to start.  We were thirsty so we decided to leave for the 30 minute game delay and get a diet coke, but as we were driving down the street I remembered Frankfort Avenue Beer Depot was on the next block. "Why don't we go get a beer?"  "Don't have to ask me twice," Chris replied.  We found a spot at the bar ordered a couple of beers and wings (I remembered I hadn't eaten lunch).  "These are so good." I said to Chris, "I'm starving.  Caroline and I didn't have lunch.  Oh no!  Caroline didn't have lunch.  We are terrible parents"  Chris, "There's some deli meat at home we'll feed her later. But why don't you text Rachel and ask what's going on since there is a torrential down pour going on."  I texted Rachel and others and got no response.  "Chris we should head back over there and see what's happening."  Chris, "We just ordered second beers let's finish those first.  Do you really want to run to the car in this?"  We are terrible parents.

As we were finishing our beers my phone rings with a hysterical SK.  "The rain is going to mess up my hair; this is awful.  I just spent money to get it to look like this."  (I didn't interrupt and remind her that it was actually my money) "And Christopher is being awful.  I told him to go get the boutonniere that I forgot to pick up and he won't do it. I need you to come home right now."  "SK," I tried to calmly say without letting her hear the laughter in my voice, "It's pouring down rain (I didn't add I was drinking beer) and we have to take care of your sister first.  I'll text Boss and ask him to get the boutonniere (I also didn't add at the florist that you drove right past several times today)"  Hung up the phone, took a sip of my beer and said to Chris, "We are terrible parents."  He didn't disagree.  Texted Boss and got this response, "I am but sk is being a psycho and I'm not going to listen to her freak out on my"  I withheld my smart alec response of, "if you go get the boutonniere you'll be out of the house Einstein"  Instead I tried to remove the we are terrible parent labels by running to the car and heading to the field--it didn't work because we did make sure we had finished our beers..

We made it to the field just as the game was being called--terrible parent labeling beginning to disappear.  Caroline, "Where have ya'll been?"  I was going to lie, but not my always honest husband, "Beer depot."  Caroline screeching, "Are you kidding me?!!?!?!  I'm starving.  Can we stop and get something?"  Chris, "We have stuff at home."  Caroline, "ya'll are terrible parents."  Yep, we knew that... Just then the phone rang,  "where is the hair spray?"  Me, "SK I have no idea.  I don't use hair spray."  She clearly didn't listen to me or to the tone of my voice that said, "I haven't used hair spray since perhaps my prom!" "Well I need it right now."  I again tried to come out from under the label, "We'll stop and get some.  What kind?"  SK, "A kind that works."  Oh the pressure..

We drove up to Walgreens and I asked Chris if he wanted to run in, "Are you kidding me?  I would have no idea."  (True--he's had no hair as long as I've known him--I just didn't want this responsibility.)  "Caroline do you want to choose one?"  Caroline, "Do I look stupid?"  So I ran in and chose what I thought might work not answering her question... Back in the car and I tried to help give Chris some good news knowing he was about to walk into prom hell.  "Guess what?  I found Bobby's bark collar."  Chris, "Maybe we can put it on SK."  Caroline and I fell into peels of laughter--we are so deep into the terrible parent label we can't dig out with a shovel....

Got back to the house; no Boss.  SK, "I'm so upset  I think I'm going to be a terrible bride that everyone talks about.  Thank goodness Mason is on her way over with a chai tea."  I made no comment as I handed her the hair spray that she actually needed--really I was just so thankful Mason was on her way! (and maybe a chai tea was what she needed--for the first time ever I fleetingly thought, 'I hope it's spiked' ) Ding-dong--Chris, "Who's that?"  "Probably Reggie she's coming to do SK's make-up."  Chris, "I'm just going to go in the den."  He did not add, and hide.  Reggie set up in the dining room and started talking to SK.  Ding dong--Mason walked in--Hallelujah!  Chai tea handed out, drink made for Mason's mother and my dear friend Jamie and we all sat down to chat and destress.  But then I started thinking, "Boss has been gone a really long time--where is he?"  Just as I was about to track him with my iphone (I actually think this makes us good parents--the children may not agree) he drove up, walked in the house, threw (literally) the boutonniere and went upstairs.  Something was clearly wrong--

"Chris," I said, "I think you need to check on Boss.  Something is wrong and I don't know what it is."  I sat back down at the table and said to Mason, "How was the wedding?"  "MAMA" screamed SK as Mason turned red--well as red as a girl who is ghostly white because she's sick as a dog but the bestest friend ever--could.  Jamie, "I think you missed something; let's go in the den."  Jamie began to explain about the wedding date that didn't happen and the loser boy who texted the information on the day of three exams--file that away to warn my boys about--and SK yells from the dining room, "I need my dress."  I heard Caroline scampering, read galloping, upstairs to get it as Chris walked back into the den, "he won't tell me."  We definitely have our roles--they want Chris to talk through disappointments and success on the athletic field or court because as they say, "You wouldn't understand Mama" which I try not to take personally or to retort every time, "I played on the BOYS soccer team!!!" and they want me to talk about relationships which Chris tries to not take personally and I refrain from saying, "Daddy was a far better boyfriend than I was a girl friend."  We just play our roles--probably continuing a long history of sexism but sometimes it's about survival, and remember, we are terrible parents--just add propogating sexist gender roles to the mis.  I tried to decide whether to head up to Boss' room or back into the dining room--it's like a choice between a root canal and non anesthetized surgery when the door bell rang.  The date was here--on time!

"Mama," SK yelled, "Do something!!!"  I was honestly thinking about heading out the back door--really we are terrible parents--but instead I went to open the front door as she said, 'Take them straight into the den do not let them turn their eyes into here."  I didn't know I wasn't supposed to tell them not to turn their eyes into there; I mean how else was I going to prevent it, but clearly by her growling I wasn't--terrible parent!  As we walked into the den I heard Boss calling me.  "Coming," I responded as Chris looked at me like, "Seriously you're going to leave me to entertain the date and his mother by myself?"  I suspect the date was even more concerned...

I head into the foyer where Boss is tearing up telling me about a fight he had with his very best friend Charlotte.  A tearing up 16 year old boy is really hard to take on a good day; on a day when you have a daughter dressing in the dining room, a date in the den with his mother, your husband and thank goodness one of your best friends--is almost impossible.  I did try thought, "honey, I know it's hard.  You and Charlotte love each other and are the best of friends but because one of you is a boy and one a girl sometimes things don't go smoothly."  He wasn't getting it.  I want to be subtle but time was of the essence, "Boss, hormones flair between ya'll even though you're just friends (frankly which I don't always believe).  Sometimes it's hard for ya'll to hear about the other person's dates and stuff  You have to be patient."  "You totally don't understand." he said as I reached out to hug him.  As I was hugging him I said, "I do understand.  I've always had a boy best friend and high school and college could sometimes get tricky.  Ya'll just have to talk it out when you can.  Give her space."  I really wanted to talk more but now I was being summoned for pictures.  At this time William emerged from the basement, "What's going on up here?"  Man I love that boy!

Took tons of pictures at our house before being told, "We have to leave now; pictures start at Danielle's in a few minutes." I left shouting to Chris, "I'll call you when we're done and let's get dinner."  Got to Danielle's for pictures with 30 then off to Tyler's for pictures with 92--I took hundreds hoping she would like some.  At this point we were all relaxing and SK was having a ball.  As I was leaving she ran over to me gave me a big hug and said, "Thanks Mommy.  Sorry I was so stressed.  love you. See you tomorrow."  Okay so maybe we're not terrible parents...

Drove up to our house and Chris came straight out the door.  "Where have you been?  It's been 2 1/2 hours.  I'm starving." Me, "You don't want to know.  Lots of pictures and they live way past that one 260 something that is really far away."  (Eventually I will learn the interstates here; it's only been six years.")  As we headed to get something to eat and spend some time talking the other three called, "What are we doing for dinner?"  "We're going out.  I'm sure there's some stuff there.  See you later."  Yep, that settles it we are terrible parents.

I Just Wanted a Graduation List and Now She's Getting Married

Yesterday Sarah Katherine received her first of many invitations to a graduation celebration, and I received a reminder that I needed to get hers ordered. So as we sat down in the den I reminded her I needed her list so that I knew how many to order.  Chris, "Wait, how many people are we inviting?"  I responded vaguely by saying, "This is why I'm telling you we need the bouncy house in the front yard--there will be lots of small children." Chris, "Isn't this a high school graduation party? Why are we having all these small children?"  "Chris," I patiently said, "We have lots of nieces and nephews."  SK slightly panicked, "And other close friends I want to invite that are like family and they have small children.  Really Daddy they're practically family. I want to invite them.  Pleeeeeeease"  I patiently responded, "I'm putting them on the list."  Chris, whom everyone thinks is a quiet gentle man is really a quiet gentle man who likes to quietly stir things up just to watch us all squirm, "Again, how many people are we inviting?  I'm not sure about this whole thing."  SK, "DADDY!!  This is stressful enough. I've got to make the list, choose invitations--Mama can you just do that?  Who knew this would be so hard?  I'm never going to survive having to make lists and stuff for a wedding." Chris, "Good Lord, and how much will THAT cost?"

Now I'm not sure how we got from we haven't even graduated from high school to making wedding lists, and yet still I said, "We'll write you a check for $20,000 right now if you'll just elope."  Chris looked at me as though I had just sprouted horns (I actually think he might sometimes think they are hidden somewhere.)  "Have you lost your mind?  We aren't writing her a check for $20,000 right now. We don't have $20,000 in our checking account right now."  Perhaps SK was only partially listening because she piped in, "Wait, you're not going to pay for my wedding?"  Honest to betsy I have no idea how this conversation had disintegrated to the level where we were actually having a serious discussion about a wedding to take place sometime in the WAY distant future with some unknown groom.  "Monkey Moo," I tried to calmly say, "Of course we'll pay for your wedding.  I'm just saying if you want to elope we'll write you a check."  Chris hastingly interjected, "But not tonight!"  "Well," continued SK, "I don't want a check I want a wedding I've already decided Mason is my maid or matron of honor.."  Me interrupting in a panic, "It has to be Caroline!"  "Obviously Mama, but Mason will also be up there as one of the honors.  Hopefully she'll get married first so I can have one maid and one matron, but who knows.  Besides I can work all that out, I'm just stressed about the list." This would have been a good place to end the conversation....

Chris, "Stressed about the list? You should be stressed about having to talk to all those people."  SK, "It will be fun to talk to all my friends."  Chris, "Obviously you're not stressed about talking to your friends--it's all the people you don't know."  SK looked completely shocked and appalled.  "Why would there be people there I don't know?  It's MY wedding."  "Well Monk," I calmly said, "There might be people from the groom's side you haven't met yet."  "Well why do we have to invite them?" she challenged.  I looked across the room and could see Chris' mind working to figure out how to stir her up more.  While I was trying to figure out a way to derail his plan she piped in, "Well then I'm marrying an orphan.  I don't want a bunch of people there I don't know." And then Chris threw the grenade...

"There's also this thing--the toasts--people get up and talk about you.  People that have known you forever.  Just wait until Daddy Adams talks..."  SK, "Does he HAVE to come?  Maybe he'll be busy. He is going to humiliate me!"  Chris, "There is no way Daddy Adams will miss either your wedding or toasting you.  He is going to totally nail you.  Oh yeah, and Zach Crouch too.  I can't wait to hear his." SK was turning pale, "Who else gets to toast me?"  Chris, "Pretty much anyone who wants--Uncle Carter probably will since he's your Godfather."  SK looking visibly relieved, "Thank goodness; he'll be normal and appropriate at a wedding."  At this Chris and I burst into laughter.  "Honey," Chris reported, "Uncle Carter is still famous for his antics at our wedding."  I fell apart in uncontrollable laughter silently praying Chris wouldn't share those antics...

Sarah Katherine threw up her hands and said, "That's it!  I'm totally stressed out; I have to go to bed."