Another Five Years of Therapy

It all started at 6 am when I finally made it to the grocery store to shop for our Thanksgiving meal.  The entire family had planned the meal which frankly is not hard because one of the two parents has made the children so neurotic about traditions that we have the SAME meal for every holiday.  Honestly this year was a tad bit more difficult because we are having Thanksgiving with just the six of us so we had to have endless discussions on whether tradition dictated that we recreate the dishes that others usually prepare..so here I stood before the sweet potatoes.  Let me be clear, I HATE sweet potatoes--the taste, the texture, the smell--everything.  (This may be hard for you to believe but one night when I was in elementary school I sat at the dinner table until 11:30 pm because I refused to take one bite.) So I stood in front of those seemingly neutral things wondering how many years of therapy I would have to pay for if I just flat refused to make them?  See these were part of the tradition conversations--two weeks ago William begged me to get the recipe from Aunt Meredith--"Please Mama we have to have them.  They're always my favorite."  When I told him no he responded with, "I wish I was going to Aunt Meredith's house."  While I don't do sweet potatoes well, I do guilt perfectly, so I began counting them into a bag--you get him next year Meredith!


I made my way through the store weaving in and out of the loyal employees restocking and cleaning the aisles.  It was really a tad bit festive.  That's a good thing because as I checked things off my list I had an ongoing debate in my head--do I make the pie crusts or buy them?  The conversation was agonizing and there was no one to talk to about it at this hour!  The debate grew louder and louder--man I hope I wasn't actually talking out loud, but I can't promise that.  I finally decided that I would buy them--I had a lot to do and I'd already succumbed to the eldest soon to be leaving home child and agreed to make my home made yeast rolls instead of buying Parker house rolls.  (That conversation went like this, "But you ALWAYS make them.  It's my favorite part of Thanksgiving."  Seriously it doesn't take much to get my guilt going.)  So I looked for the frozen pie crusts--I have never bought them so I don't know where they are.  I finally asked a young man who I think may need his own therapy because I asked him like this, "Can you tell me where the pre made pie crusts are?  I usually make my own but this year has been very busy and I'm just shopping today and have so much to do that I'm not sure I'll have time.  Do you have homemade pie crusts or pre baked pie crusts at your house?"  His eyes glazed over as he led me to the freezer section where there are CHOICES!  I stood there trying to figure out which to buy--the young man had long since disappeared.  Finally I chose some and said to myself,  "These look pretty good; no one will be able to tell the difference."  And with that I checked out, went home, and had the car unloaded before anyone even got out of bed.

I left the house again at 9:30 for an appointment and to run errands.  That's when I realized that I had forgotten the appetizers!  I called my husband and he suggested we just get stuff from Lotsa Pasta--well I'd already given into the pie crust--it's amazing how easy it becomes after the first time giving in--so I said I'd go get them on my way to get my hair cut.  The only thing I like about cold weather is that I can go to the grocery store and still run more errands without worrying about refrigeration. I was so proud of myself that I even emailed a friend and bragged about how I bought already prepared appetizers.   After more errands and a visit to a friend in the hospital I made it home to a quiet empty house and began the meal preparation--if it had only stayed quiet and empty...

I made the jalapeno cornbread (not a mix) for the stuffing and started on the pecan pies.  As I poured it into the crust I had another moment of guilt--then I just poured a glass of wine.  The family started arriving home, showing me their bras, hair cuts etc.  Christopher came in from babysitting my godchild Charlotte with his best friend who we often wish was more than a best friend also named Charlotte.  "She never cries for me Mama," he proudly announced as he kissed the top of my head.  I love that he kisses the top of my head but I also wanted to punch him in the gut--she ALWAYS cries for me much to her father's delight.  Charlotte the best friend gave me a big hug too.  I adore this girl and the only wise decision and comment I probably made yesterday was to the babies who also adore Charlotte and want her to be the girlfriend.  I said, "I think it's better that she stays the best friend that way she can always stay in our lives."  That was said just in time because in walked SK saying the boyfriend who is no longer the boyfriend is on his way over.  It's so much easier to love and miss the boyfriend who is no longer the boyfriend..."Oh I can't wait to see him."  I said.  To which I received a massive eye roll and a warning, "He's not staying long." (He was still here when I went to bed at 11.)

Chris had now arrived home tripping over a large box in the mud room.  "What is this?"  Me, "It's the Thanksgiving china." "I love that china!" chimed in SK and Caroline. "Can you unpack it?" he begged trying to limit his editorial comments about the china. "I'm making pies.  Can you get someone else to?"  William was called to the kitchen and asked to unpack the china and put it in the dining room. (It was clear SK was not in the mood to be asked anything as the boyfriend who is not the boyfriend was on his way over, and I think Chris was afraid to ask Caroline to do anything as it may require him commenting on or touching her new bras again.)  William, "Really, Thanksgiving china?"  Chris, "Yes, but first we should probably pack up the arbor day china."  He just couldn't resist..he followed that up with, "This is the Thanksgiving china we bought in England."  William, "Wait a minute, we bought Thanksgiving china in England?  That's messed up."  Chris looked at me with that look that says, "glad one of them has some sense." and added, "yep and she finds equally crazy friends to shop with her and justify her purchases"  (You're welcome Ingrid.)

After he finished unpacking the china William hesitantly (I think the china had reinforced his memory of my neurotic behavior as I'm preparing for a holiday) asked, "Are we going to get to eat dinner tonight or is all this food just for tomorrow night?"  "Yeah," chimed in Christopher, "we're starving."  I pictured the bag full of premade appetizers in the refrigerator outside, calculated how much longer it was going to take Chris to grill, factored in the grumpy overly hungry ratio of four or five or six teenagers (didn't know how long the boyfriend who is not the boyfriend or Charlotte was staying) and in a weak moment sent Caroline out to get one or two, I stressed the one or two--I shouldn't have been surprised that she brought the whole bag in.  While I was busy getting out appetizer trays and spreaders, (only a few actually made it onto the trays and into dishes the rest were eaten straight out of bags and containers--I'm amazed--no one died from lack of social etiquette), they descended upon the bag like vulchers scratching and clawing to get their favorites out.  "Ya'll don't eat those all.  They're for tomorrow."  Christopher, "but we're hungry today."  He had a point--doesn't have any appetizers for today but he had a point--

The boyfriend who is no longer the boyfriend had arrived.  This totally confused everyone particularly the babies who kept saying, "But they're acting the same?  Are you sure he's not the boyfriend anymore?"  I have no idea how to explain this to them; Chris however kept sending them to the basement to spy.  While I told him that was a terrible thing to do, I did grill them when they returned.  Were they smiling, talking, touching?  (We are not the most mature parents)   Charlotte left and we sent the boys down to play video games in the back of the basement--just a little bit calculated...  While we were waiting for dinner to be finished Caroline asked, "Can I make the pumpkin pie now?"  This was a BIG deal--never before had I asked them to help with preparing Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner but I had asked her earlier in the day if she would like to make the pumpkin pie.  (For the record, I should have asked years ago--it's fun having them all in the kitchen working together--well some working together some just offering snide remarks.)  She began reading the recipe and asking me where everything was ( it was all laid out on the counter).  As she stirred the pie filling she said, "This is way too runny--what's wrong with it?"  Yet another reason they should help--"Caroline, it has to be put in the pie shell and cooked."  "Ohhhh, well why didn't you say so?"  I wisely refused to remind her that she had the recipe in front of her and perhaps she could read it.  "Where is the pie shell?"  she asked.  I got it out of the freezer and began unwrapping it.  There was a total look of shock and terror on her face--"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  You didn't make them? You BOUGHT pie crusts?"

Chris sighed, looked at me with pity and said, "Thanks Caroline, that comment is going to cost us another five years of therapy."

I Heart...

It all started because we needed a large bag to brine the turkey...

I suggested to Chris that we use a trash bag, but we can't because apparently the trash bags we have are scented.  As Chris was taking out the trash he asked me if I remembered to buy trash bags this morning (that would be 6 am) at the grocery store.  Oops forgot--but as he shook out the bag to put back in the trash can I caught a whiff and said, "Ewww I don't like that smell."  Caroline, "It is gross; kind of like scented tampons."  And William walks in at this exact moment--"stop talking about tampons and bras and everything else!"

"Oh that reminds me," I chime in, "SK is going to take you to buy bras today."  Caroline, "Good mine don't fit--I'm pretty sure my cup size has gone up."  William, "Stop talking about that.  Do you want me to talk about my cup size?"  Caroline, "Whatever"  Chris, "Cups don't come in sizes."  William, "They should, small, medium and large."  Caroline, "Oh to protect your boys."  And I was so glad I had somewhere else to be so this conversation had to end.

 Six hours later the girls come in from getting their hair cut and after going bra shopping.  I asked how much they spent.  "Who knows?' says SK.  Oh this is a big problem--. She went to the car to bring them in as I began asking questions (since it was my credit card they were using and didn't pay attention to how much they were spending.)  "Did ya'll officially get measured?"  Caroline, "Yes and guess what?  We're both 36 C's--you're not (she just had to throw that in).  Well actually SK is a 38 B but the lady said those sizes were like sisters just like us so it's okay."  At this point SK returned with the bag and Caroline got hers out and put it on over her clothes.  I asked, why do I ask anything, "Did they show you how to make sure they fit right?"  Caroline, "Oh you mean scooping your boob up into it?  Yeah they did." as she demonstrated.   Caroline begins prancing around with her new bra on over her sweater explaining to me how good it feels--it's cushioned and cute. At this point Chris comes in from working out.  "Daddy, feel this bra.  It's awesome."  Chris, "Umm, I don't think I want to do it."  "No really," said Caroline approaching him, "it feels awesome."  Chris, "Umm that's okay--where's the turkey?' "Daddy," Caroline continued, "My boobs have grown.  I heart periods."

It might be good no one is joining us for Thanksgiving.

The Put Down Your Cell Phone Silence

Saturday was an interesting day.  I was at an EfM training--loving it, but I needed to be home for Georgia/Auburn kick off (an hour and a half drive).  I was thrilled to learn that while ESPN in Leitchfield was saying kick off was 2:30 it was actually 3:30 in Louisville.  On the way home my temperature spiked--ugh!  Got home to the couch and laid around until kick off then dozed during the first half--that is the only thing that kept my temperature from reaching blood boiling levels.

William was in a play at 7 and we had to get there by 6:30--it sold out for three nights straight.  As the lights were going down for the play, my phone started exploding with ESPN updates and texts from my sister.  We were back in the game!!!  I resisted the urge to run screaming from the theater and straight down the street to my in-laws to watch the conclusion of the game--that doesn't mean that I did not stop refreshing ESPN non-stop.  Well, the game didn't turn out so well, but William was amazing.

After the play the family, minus Christopher, all went to Ramsi's for a celebratory dinner--it's our tradition.  Not to be sidetracked, but to be sidetracked.  Five years ago after a ballet performance, Ramsi's was the only open restaurant.  In our family, do something once or maybe twice and it's a tradition.  So now even though I have been told they don't even really like Ramsi's we HAVE to go there after every performance.  And that my friends is not because of my neurosis--no that is the gift of neurosis which I have unselfishly bestowed upon my children.  So we were all there and everyone was taking pictures.  Some people, who shall rename nameless, were racing to get them on instagram and then see who got the most "likes."

Chris and I exchanged a few glances which said, "Which one of us is going to tell everyone to put their phones away?"  Chris won (or perhaps lost) our glancing contest which frankly is a good thing.  He is much nicer about phone rules and makes them way more fun.  So he says, "On the count of three we're all going to put our phones in the center of the table and the first person to touch theirs has to pay for dinner." Now we all knew who was going to pay for dinner--but it was more fun than the way I would have done it which would have been to say,"Everyone put your phones away or I'm going to take them for a week."  So all the phones went into the center of the table and Caroline put them in a pile back and forth horizontal/vertical.  Chris says, "Hey that's like jenga."  William, "Like rich people jenga." And then we fell into the silent abyss of no cell phones.

Anyone who has four teenagers (I recognize that number is small so I'll increase it--anyone who has teenagers) is probably familiar with this silence. It  happens immediately following the "Phone Put Away."  It's as though they have to rewire their brains and remember how to talk to people without glancing down in their laps (like we don't know what they're looking at when they glance down).  So we had that moment of silence--the moment seemed to stretch--Chris looked out the window over to the Skyline chili sign and I suppose he was trying to break the silence so he says, "Hey William look at that sign--it says 'A Thanksgiving Three Way'  William, of course, begins his belly laugh--SK momentarily looks shocked, but we all know that was a fake look of surprise; these things happen all the time in our family.  Nothing should ever shock anyone, but at least she's learned the etiquette of looking shocked and those things which the rest of the world deem entirely inappropriate.   Caroline begins saying,"What?  I don't get it."  Chris just sat their with a totally innocent expression on his face.  Caroline kept saying, "what?"  "Chris," I say, "Now we're going to have to explain this to her."  All I could think of was we were now adding to her arsenal of inappropriate things to say; she really doesn't need our help.  SK now is repeating, "Please not now--tell her later."  William is almost under the table he is convulsing in so much laughter.  And then we all hear Caroline say, "I just don't get what's so funny.  If you'd said menage a trois or a threesome--now that would be funny."

And with that the "just put down the cell phone moment of silence" was over.

My Wide-open Middle Schooler

I really do wish I had Caroline's free spirit and guts--or maybe I don't.  Recently I learned that Caroline and two of her 8th grade friends randomly walk up to junior and senior boys and grab a hold of their hands.  My boys are horrified--I think it's hysterical.  But what I really think is amazing is the way some of these boys have embraced these silly girls.  Some now, when they see them coming, hold their hands out.  It's all part of being a small community.  Although her brothers are horrified at her behavior, I hope they too would be as tolerant and kind as some of these older boys are if they are ever "stalked" in the future by middle school girls.

Early this school year it became obvious (dancing around singing his name was a good hint) that Caroline has a crush on a high school junior.  It's been very open in our home; the boys actually claim she's a stalker and while they sometimes laugh, more often they try to be strategically distant during her antics.  We know about it; her friends know about it; after her conference two weeks ago, I now know the entire faculty knows about it.  None of that bothers Caroline--I love that about her!!

This afternoon she came out of the gym after basketball and was literally skipping through the rain to the car.  She opened the door, threw her backpack in and said, "Guess who was in the gym while we were running sprints this afternoon?"  (She really should make these guessing games more difficult.)  "______", I say.  "Yep--and guess who came in first in all the sprints?"  Now this was a little more difficult; I suspected she meant herself, but at the same time this is the same girl who when I ask if she wants to go running with me responds, "Why would I want to do that?"  But I decided to go out on a limb and respond somewhat hesitantly, "You?"  "That's right" she said as she danced around in the rain, "I told Rachel if there was always a picture of him around I'd always run fast."

Keep up--these conversations are like being a ball in a pinball machine.  Next she says, "Do you know that some boys have awesome back muscles?  ____________definitely does.  They ripple."  I know it was risky but I had to ask, "How do you know?"  "Well", she continued, "after practice we go out in the hall when the varsity boys go into the gym.  Coach Newberry talks to us about what we've done and I just watch them in the gym. Boys have lots of back muscles."  "Caroline", I say, "Shouldn't you be paying attention to your Coach?"  "Oh, I never do that.  It's more interesting watching the boys."  I really and truly was trying to figure out how to connect in any way with her competitive spirit that would remind her she needed to listen to her coach, so I said, "Do you see your brother?" (A very highly competitive basketball player)  "Why would I look for him?" she retorted followed quickly by, "He says I'm allowed to talk to him when he's with his friends but not when he's with the basketball team."  (At least she somewhat sees that some people take their team seriously.)

And now for the next ping--"Hey guess what?"  I really should be more disciplined in saying what, but I'm not.  "What?" I ask.  "Rachel, Leah and I are in a group and we have to make up a song."  "Oh," I say, "for what class?"  "It's for science; it has to be on the carbon cycle.  I really wish it was for sex ed."

I really need her Godparents to just move in--I had no idea how much we'd need you.